[00:06:24] – Steve
Okay, this week’s question. Oh, it’s an anonymous one. Can you bring up the fantasy name generator?

[00:06:40] – Frankie
I’m on it.

[00:06:40] – Steve
I’ll explain why you look…

Basically, when we get an anonymous question we discovered it was more fun, like… It’s easier when you feel like you’re talking to a person — we wanted to give a name to it. So, very early on in this podcast, we started using a fantasy name generator and we also found that the detective names list was almost believable. So, that’s the list we always draw off on, right?

[00:07:05] – Frankie
Right.

So… Reagan Sullivan. Detective Harper Briggs.

[00:07:10] – Steve
Harper.

[00:07:11] – Frankie
Mel Horn.

[00:07:12] – Steve
Horn? Okay, let’s go for the Horn.

Okay, so episode 60 and our question comes from Detective Mel Horn, aka the Horn.

Mel says:

“How do you cope with client ick? Like that physical cringe you experience when you see someone you snogged at a staff party years ago, but this time it’s because your client is calling you and you secretly hate them.

Clients are good. Clients pay the bills. I should love that I have this client. Times are hard, and I shouldn’t be ungrateful. After all, I worked hard to get them in the first place.

But the honeymoon period of this client has died a death.

My dilemma is that despite being a nice, but very insecure person — as a client, they are a royal pain in the bum. Which is fine when you are being paid for the service, but right now, we are in limbo between projects so I’m officially off the books.

It’s a culmination of lots of little things that have started to grate on me. But after months of working with them and recently having some issues with bill payments, I now see their name appear on my phone or receive an email, and I want to hit the gin before responding in a professional manner, obviously.

I hate that they annoy me. I need them, and I hate that they suck my time even when I’m not charging for it. Look at me writing to you about them right now.

Should I just accept that our relationship is tainted, move on and hope that a better client comes along? Is this the end? Or am I just being a dick? Battered after a year of sodding COVID draining on my patience and humility?

Yours faithfully,

Detective Mel Horn aka the Horn”

[00:09:00] – Steve
Wow, that was so long. It felt like…

[00:09:03] – Frankie
But it’s so beautifully written!

[00:09:04] – Steve
Yeah, I love it.

Do you remember Our Tune? It used to be on Radio One when I was a kid with a DJ called Simon Bates. It would have the do do do music underneath it?

[00:09:16] – Frankie
Oh yeah!

[00:09:16] – Steve
And he would go, “Jill no longer liked Glenn, but Glenn didn’t know…”

It would be like that. It was just like that.

[00:09:24] – Frankie
I’d be interested to know the backstory. Like, how long have they been working together? I don’t know. I just want to know more about the history of their relationship. Because if it just boils down to, like… “This client makes me feel gross” then that client should have been gone that long ago.

What happened? What happened here?

[00:09:42] – Steve
They do make it sound like once upon a time they were happy.

[00:09:45] – Frankie
Right?

[00:09:46] – Steve
That, like the honeymoon period makes it suggest that once upon a time it was fine. But in fact, I love the analogy to a relationship because you do make it sound like gradually all of those little things have started to get on your tits.

And, by the way, this isn’t a lie! I’d forgotten about this until I’ve just said that. Day one of the most recent lockdown, DAY ONE. And it was about 2 o’clock in the afternoon and my wife went, “Do you know how loud you eat an apple?”

[00:10:16] – Steve
DAY ONE!

[00:10:18] – Frankie
Yeah, but it wasn’t day one, though, was it?

[00:10:23] – Steve
No you’re right. It’s that thing of all of those little niggly things building up and now that you realise them and you’ve recognised them, that you kind of can’t bear working with them.

[00:10:34] – Frankie
Yeah, but not even that. It’s like… Now that we’re in this shithole of a place we’re in, in terms of COVID and homeschooling and blah blah… I just think we all have less patience. I think Mel is right. I think the current context has a hell of a lot to do with it. Because presumably she stuck around with this client for however long previously and put up with those little things because the money was good, because she got something out of the work.

I’m saying ‘she’, I’m assuming mel is a ‘she’. I don’t know…

[00:11:04] – Steve
The Horn, I think, is the correct terminology.

[00:11:07] – Frankie
The Horn got something out of those projects. There was some positive to that relationship. It wouldn’t surprise me if the current climate has just cut any patience they previously had. Just like, “No, fuck this. I’m not putting up with this anymore. I’m exhausted and I’m tired”.

[00:11:22] – Steve
“I don’t need this crap right now.”

[00:11:24] – Frankie
Yeah,

[00:11:24] – Steve
“Just stop eating that apple in my face.”

[00:11:29] – Frankie
Oh, here comes my son… Hello.

He’s going to sit and look at my empty bottle of wine. It was wine. Yeah.

*Frankie’s son leaves the room*

I don’t know. The tone of this suggests to me that they feel like… I want to say they ‘owe’ this client something, but that’s not necessarily what I mean. There’s clearly like some sort of…

[00:11:52] – Steve
…bond?

[00:11:53] – Frankie
Yeah. Something keeping Mel from ditching them.

[00:11:58] – Steve
I’ve had clients like that. I know that feeling. You must know that feeling. Where… And sometimes it’s like one of your really early clients, like one of your early wins.

[00:12:07] – Frankie
That keeps hanging on for good for dear life!

[00:12:10] – Steve
But equally you remember the fact that they were there for you when you needed them when you started out. And so therefore you keep doing the job that you’d rather not do anymore for the price that you’d rather not do it for anymore. Because you kind of, like, part of you appreciates and acknowledges that fact.

[00:12:30] – Steve
One thing worth bearing in mind as well, though, is that like sometimes in a relationship all those niggly things get on your nerves and then you leave them and you go and find somebody new. And then after a while you start to realise their niggly things. Like, nobody’s perfect. They all have, and you have, your own niggly things too. And that’s just the way the world works.

Also, you don’t say specifically what annoys you. Are some of those things to do with process? Like, is it to do with the way they get in touch with you or the way they leave feedback? Or, you know, it sounds like they’re annoying you between projects, which isn’t a great sign.

If it is to do with those sorts of things, you know, sometimes problems can be addressed. Sometimes they can be solved. We would always say communicate and try and iron things out, wouldn’t we?

[00:13:20] – Frankie
We would, absolutely.

I wonder if there are consistent things that just piss you off for whatever reason? Can you identify those things? And are there things you can build into your own processes to avoid that stuff coming up?

So like, clearly them hassling you between projects is a thing. Do you need to set clearer boundaries with all your clients, including this one, about how the onboarding process works and how and when and what they should do to contact you about future projects? Is it a case of removing your phone number from… that’s it!

Mel should change her phone number. Right?

[00:14:01] – Steve
I mean, in all seriousness, with an email, you could set up an autoresponder now which says, you know, “Due to COVID nightmares, if you’re an existing client and we’re working on a project, you can expect to hear from me in <this> time span. If we’ve already been talking about a project and it’s soon to kick off, it will be <this> time span. If you simply want to pick my brains, it’ll be the twelfth of never or £1200 an hour.”

And therefore, because they’re not currently working with you on a project, they should get that and maybe get the message that you’re not going to get back to them.

And likewise, with phones. Let’s say you’ve missed — accidentally “missed” — their phone call three times. You can say, “Do you know what, at the moment, it’s just not great to call. And since we’re not working together, yeah…”

[00:14:51] – Frankie
Yeah, “I’m Juggling all the things. Calling is not the one!”

[00:14:53] – Steve
“It’s not you, it’s me. We need a break.”

[00:14:58] – Frankie
I was going to say something that’s really annoying. Man, I need a pen because I need to write down shit while I think of it… That’s not a pen. That’s not a pen. That’s not a pen…

[00:15:12] – Steve
I’m sure somebody will be sitting there thinking, “Why don’t you just tell them that they don’t have to bloody work with them anymore?”

[00:15:18] – Frankie
Well, yeah, that’s the next point, isn’t it?

[00:15:23] – Steve
You’re not beholden to any client. If you don’t want to work with them, don’t work with them.

[00:15:28] – Frankie
Yes!

[00:15:29] – Steve
But…

[00:15:30] – Frankie
But, I feel like you need to have done some groundwork to feel confident enough to do that. The classic is, “I’m too busy to deal with you right now”. But then you need to actually have other work lined up. Otherwise that’s just terrifying, isn’t it? As much as you want to do that. So, I feel like there are steps you need to be doing to get to that point.

[00:15:54] – Steve
So relationship wise, you need to get on Tinder before the split.

[00:15:57] – Frankie
Right, exactly.

[00:16:00] – Steve
There was one thing that really jumped out as well — You did say about recently having some issues with bill payments. Well, that’s different. That’s a good reason not to deal with them anymore, right?

Do you know what, the more we think about it Mel…

[00:16:13] – Frankie
The more we think — just cut them loose?

[00:16:17] – Steve
Well

[00:16:18] – Frankie
Ta ta!

[00:16:18] – Steve
But I do think there is a pandemic on. There was never a better opportunity to say, “I can’t be dealing with this”.

[00:16:24] – Frankie
“I can’t cope with this now”.

[00:16:25] – Steve
Yeah. “I barely have time to talk to my friends. I can’t talk to you.”

[00:16:29] – Frankie
Well, this is the next thing I was going to say, is that Mel says, “Am I just being a dick?” I think that says a lot about Mel. I think The Horn is potentially a people pleaser, basically, and doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’.

[00:16:43] – Steve
Yeah.

[00:16:43] – Frankie
And doesn’t want to cut this person loose because that’s going to make them feel shitty. They don’t want to have to do that. But that’s not a reason to continue in a crappy relationship with somebody, right?

[00:16:56] – Steve
But that’s the thing, is that when you’re freelance, it is a relationship.

[00:17:00] – Frankie
Yeah. It is.

[00:17:00] – Steve
So much of the beauty of it is based on that personal connection.

[00:17:04] – Frankie
Yeah, true.

[00:17:04] – Steve
That’s not a bad thing. It sounds like you’re really good at that. And for a while it worked. It’s just at the moment it isn’t. And that thing you say, Mel, where you say, “I hate that they annoy me”. Don’t let yourself hate yourself for it, okay? It’s on THEM.

Like, do not let this person get to you when you feel that anger rising. Do what Bing is told and blow it into the clouds in that seminal episode that we all cling to as parents. (Good on you, Flop. That was a great piece of advice that I still cling to).

So, yeah — coping mechanisms, whatever works for you. Do not let that hatred get to you basically, you are better than that Mel. This person doesn’t mean you harm. You’re just not made for each other.

[00:17:48] – Frankie
That’s it. I do feel like current times, we’re all reading so much into everything. Like the school WhatsApp group, man. Everybody’s on edge. Everybody’s… It’s drama after drama.

[00:18:00] – Steve
Sigh.

[00:18:01] – Frankie
Yeah, go sigh it out! Go dance it out! Go do what you’ve got to do. Make a plan to fill the gap in your diary with somebody else. That’s better. It’s going to treat you better, look after you a bit more.

[00:18:12] – Steve
Dance with you the way you deserve to be danced with.

[00:18:14] – Frankie
Exactly.

[00:18:16] – Steve
Someone who wants to grab The Horn, the way The Horn deserves to be touched.