Does anyone else find themselves apologising every time they want to have a moan about something — kids, work, partner, whatever? I seem to always start with “I know I shouldn’t complain but…”. For some reason, I feel like I’m not allowed to have a bad day and that if I do have a bit of a rant I will be perceived as being ungrateful for the life I have.

I am lucky, trust me I know that. I have a great husband, two lovely children, a beautiful home, a job I love and lots of lovely family and friends. I appreciate all of this, of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I should be all sunshine and smiles. Life can be hard sometimes and admitting that doesn’t make me ungrateful, it makes me human.

Sometimes my supportive and lovely husband doesn’t put the bins out for instance, or he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor next to the laundry bin rather than putting them in the laundry bin. Getting pissed off with him about these little things, however petty, doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate him. I would just appreciate him more if he remembered to do these teeny tiny things.

Being constantly tired absolutely sucks.

My two lovely children are my pride and joy and I love them with all my heart, but as most people that know me will be aware, my children are not the best sleepers. My eldest suffers from horrible night terrors and my youngest often wakes up at midnight ready to start her day.

It absolutely sucks.

Being constantly tired absolutely sucks.

I regularly spend days watching the clock creep slowly towards bedtime. Not because I don’t enjoy playing castles and fire engines, and not because I don’t want to watch another episode of Peppa Pig (ok maybe that one), but because I am exhausted. The sort of tired that makes you feel physically sick.

Yet I’m still responsible for the little people that created the sleep deprived monster I’ve become. I have to feed them, clean them, entertain them and keep them safe. It is a level of exhausted I never knew existed, but I find myself holding back from complaining about how tired I am because so many times I’ve commented (not even complained, just commented) about being tired only to be told it’s ‘part and parcel of having children’.

And then you throw work into the mix.

I have recently started my own business and I’m happy to admit that being allowed to be the old me, the pre-kids me, even for just a few hours a week is so refreshing. I work from home, around my children with very limited childcare so regularly set my alarm to be up before the rest of my family or continue working late into the night when (fingers crossed) everyone is asleep.

I’m lucky to have been able to create a flexible way of working… but it is a constant juggling act and one I often feel I’m failing at.

As a newbie freelancer, I appreciate how great it is that I have work already and that I’m at a busy stage. I also know I’m lucky to have been able to create a flexible way of working (although getting here hasn’t been without sacrifices) but it is a constant juggling act and one I often feel I’m failing at.

I know lots of other parents leave the house before their kids are awake and don’t get home until they’re asleep. That used to be me. So of course, I’m grateful for the flexibility my situation affords me, but that doesn’t stop it being hard.

I know I’m ranting now, my husband has just pointed out that my typing has become a little forceful, a sure sign I’m ranting…

What I’m trying to say, is be kind to yourself. It’s ok to have a bad day and it’s ok to have a little moan because sometimes it takes a bad day to appreciate just how good life is, even if it would  be even better with a bit more sleep and a husband that didn’t leave dirty clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket.

RANT OVER.

Sorry not sorry.

Photograph by Francesca Tortora.

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